Tomorrow is Father’s Day. I have just the right book for this ocassion. This was given to me by a friend many, many birthdays ago when I was still a young father. This is a rare instance when I failed to mark the date that this volume became part of my collection.
Bill Cosby, the author, writes the way he talks—witty and humorous. I can only capture his thoughtful lines in this blog, but not the laughter in his down-to-earth repartees. If you want the latter as well, you’ve got to read the whole volume to really savor his hilarious accounts of fatherhood. Without further ado, here are my choice cuts:
On “Gifts on Father’s Day”:
“…soap-on-a-rope is not the only gift that can depress a father on Father’s Day: there are many others, like hedge cutters, weed trimmers, and plumbing snakes. It is time that the families of America realized that a father on Father’s Day does not want to be pointed in the direction of manual work.”
On “Raising Children”:
“Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made.”
* * *
“I doubt there can be a philosophy about something so difficult, something so downright mystical, as raising kids.”
Bill Cosby, the author, writes the way he talks—witty and humorous. I can only capture his thoughtful lines in this blog, but not the laughter in his down-to-earth repartees. If you want the latter as well, you’ve got to read the whole volume to really savor his hilarious accounts of fatherhood. Without further ado, here are my choice cuts:
On “Gifts on Father’s Day”:
“…soap-on-a-rope is not the only gift that can depress a father on Father’s Day: there are many others, like hedge cutters, weed trimmers, and plumbing snakes. It is time that the families of America realized that a father on Father’s Day does not want to be pointed in the direction of manual work.”
On “Raising Children”:
“Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made.”
* * *
“I doubt there can be a philosophy about something so difficult, something so downright mystical, as raising kids.”
* * *
"I have found that children remeber only what they want to. It's a talent they develop from the very beginning."
On “Babies”:
“ A baby overwhelms us with its lovableness; even its smell stirs us more deeply than the smell of pine or baking bread. What is overpowering is simply the fact that a baby is life.”
* * *
“The decision to make such a thing is made by the heart, not the brain.”
On “Names”:
“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry.”
* * *
“A nervous mother needs an ‘o’ or an ‘I’ or an ‘e’ because they last long enough to get the kid home for his beating.”
* * *
“If you must put consonants in your child’s name, put them in the middle, where an ‘n’ or two ‘n’s’ or even four will work, as long as there’s a vowel at the end.”
On “Taking Naps”:
“To a young person, naps don’t mean much; he casually takes them in English class. But to a father, a nap is a basic need; and he soon learns that this need can best be met in a local theatre.”
On “Having Children”:
“I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.”
On “Pregnancy”:
“The Lord was wise enough to make a woman’s pregnancy last nine months. If it were shorter, people with temporary insanity might have two or three kids a year, and they would be wiped out before the first one had learned to talk.”
On “Parents” and Parenting”:
“A parent quickly learns that no matter how much money you have, you will never be able to buy your kids everything they want.”
* * *
“…there is no moment in parenting more distressing than when your child goes to someone else’s home and forgets to call you.”
* * *
“…nothing is harder for a parent than getting your kids to do the right thing.”
On “Boss of the House”:
“When a man has children, the first thing he has to learn is that he is not the boss of the house.”
* * *
“Ironically, even though the father is not the boss of the house, the mother will try to use him as a threat.”
On “Children”:
“In spite of all the love, joy, and gratification that children bring, they do cause a certain amount of stress that takes its toll on parents.”
On “Child-raising”:
You see, the wives pretend to turn over the child-raising job to us fathers, but they don’t really mean it.”
* * *
“New parents quickly learn that raising children is a kind of desperate improvisation.”
* * *
“…people who spend more than six minutes trying to discipline children learn that
* * *
“…There are no absolutes in raising children.”
* * *
“You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who’ve never had any.”
* * *
“If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?”
On “Responsibilities”:
“The new American father has more responsibilities than ever, but the children seem to have fewer.”
On “Cosby’s First Law of Intergenerational Perversity”:
“…no matter what you what you tell your child to do, he will always do the opposite.”
On “Music”:
“Nothing separates the generations more than music.”
* * *
“The older generation is simply incapable of ever appreciating the strange sounds the young one calls music.”
On “Babies”:
“ A baby overwhelms us with its lovableness; even its smell stirs us more deeply than the smell of pine or baking bread. What is overpowering is simply the fact that a baby is life.”
* * *
“The decision to make such a thing is made by the heart, not the brain.”
On “Names”:
“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry.”
* * *
“A nervous mother needs an ‘o’ or an ‘I’ or an ‘e’ because they last long enough to get the kid home for his beating.”
* * *
“If you must put consonants in your child’s name, put them in the middle, where an ‘n’ or two ‘n’s’ or even four will work, as long as there’s a vowel at the end.”
On “Taking Naps”:
“To a young person, naps don’t mean much; he casually takes them in English class. But to a father, a nap is a basic need; and he soon learns that this need can best be met in a local theatre.”
On “Having Children”:
“I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.”
On “Pregnancy”:
“The Lord was wise enough to make a woman’s pregnancy last nine months. If it were shorter, people with temporary insanity might have two or three kids a year, and they would be wiped out before the first one had learned to talk.”
On “Parents” and Parenting”:
“A parent quickly learns that no matter how much money you have, you will never be able to buy your kids everything they want.”
* * *
“…there is no moment in parenting more distressing than when your child goes to someone else’s home and forgets to call you.”
* * *
“…nothing is harder for a parent than getting your kids to do the right thing.”
On “Boss of the House”:
“When a man has children, the first thing he has to learn is that he is not the boss of the house.”
* * *
“Ironically, even though the father is not the boss of the house, the mother will try to use him as a threat.”
On “Children”:
“In spite of all the love, joy, and gratification that children bring, they do cause a certain amount of stress that takes its toll on parents.”
On “Child-raising”:
You see, the wives pretend to turn over the child-raising job to us fathers, but they don’t really mean it.”
* * *
“New parents quickly learn that raising children is a kind of desperate improvisation.”
* * *
“…people who spend more than six minutes trying to discipline children learn that
* * *
“…There are no absolutes in raising children.”
* * *
“You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who’ve never had any.”
* * *
“If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?”
On “Responsibilities”:
“The new American father has more responsibilities than ever, but the children seem to have fewer.”
On “Cosby’s First Law of Intergenerational Perversity”:
“…no matter what you what you tell your child to do, he will always do the opposite.”
On “Music”:
“Nothing separates the generations more than music.”
* * *
“The older generation is simply incapable of ever appreciating the strange sounds the young one calls music.”
--Bill Cosby
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