Quotes From "Fatherhood"

Tomorrow is Father’s Day. I have just the right book for this ocassion. This was given to me by a friend many, many birthdays ago when I was still a young father. This is a rare instance when I failed to mark the date that this volume became part of my collection.

Bill Cosby, the author, writes the way he talks—witty and humorous. I can only capture his thoughtful lines in this blog, but not the laughter in his down-to-earth repartees. If you want the latter as well, you’ve got to read the whole volume to really savor his hilarious accounts of fatherhood. Without further ado, here are my choice cuts:

On “Gifts on Father’s Day”:

“…soap-on-a-rope is not the only gift that can depress a father on Father’s Day: there are many others, like hedge cutters, weed trimmers, and plumbing snakes. It is time that the families of America realized that a father on Father’s Day does not want to be pointed in the direction of manual work.”

On “Raising Children”:

“Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made.”

* * *

“I doubt there can be a philosophy about something so difficult, something so downright mystical, as raising kids.”

* * *

"I have found that children remeber only what they want to. It's a talent they develop from the very beginning."

On “Babies”:

“ A baby overwhelms us with its lovableness; even its smell stirs us more deeply than the smell of pine or baking bread. What is overpowering is simply the fact that a baby is life.”

* * *

“The decision to make such a thing is made by the heart, not the brain.”

On “Names”:

“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry.”

* * *

“A nervous mother needs an ‘o’ or an ‘I’ or an ‘e’ because they last long enough to get the kid home for his beating.”

* * *

“If you must put consonants in your child’s name, put them in the middle, where an ‘n’ or two ‘n’s’ or even four will work, as long as there’s a vowel at the end.”

On “Taking Naps”:

“To a young person, naps don’t mean much; he casually takes them in English class. But to a father, a nap is a basic need; and he soon learns that this need can best be met in a local theatre.”

On “Having Children”:

“I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

On “Pregnancy”:

“The Lord was wise enough to make a woman’s pregnancy last nine months. If it were shorter, people with temporary insanity might have two or three kids a year, and they would be wiped out before the first one had learned to talk.”

On “Parents” and Parenting”:

“A parent quickly learns that no matter how much money you have, you will never be able to buy your kids everything they want.”

* * *

“…there is no moment in parenting more distressing than when your child goes to someone else’s home and forgets to call you.”

* * *
“…nothing is harder for a parent than getting your kids to do the right thing.”

On “Boss of the House”:

“When a man has children, the first thing he has to learn is that he is not the boss of the house.”

* * *

“Ironically, even though the father is not the boss of the house, the mother will try to use him as a threat.”

On “Children”:

“In spite of all the love, joy, and gratification that children bring, they do cause a certain amount of stress that takes its toll on parents.”

On “Child-raising”:

You see, the wives pretend to turn over the child-raising job to us fathers, but they don’t really mean it.”

* * *

“New parents quickly learn that raising children is a kind of desperate improvisation.”

* * *

“…people who spend more than six minutes trying to discipline children learn that

* * *

“…There are no absolutes in raising children.”

* * *

“You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who’ve never had any.”

* * *

“If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?”


On “Responsibilities”:

“The new American father has more responsibilities than ever, but the children seem to have fewer.”

On “Cosby’s First Law of Intergenerational Perversity”:

“…no matter what you what you tell your child to do, he will always do the opposite.”

On “Music”:

“Nothing separates the generations more than music.”

* * *

“The older generation is simply incapable of ever appreciating the strange sounds the young one calls music.”

--Bill Cosby

Quotes From "Why Men Marry"

The Wedding Month has kicked in so I thought I should feature a book that carries that theme. Fortunately, I have one such book by A.T. Langford with an interesting sidelight. I bought this one not for myself, for I was already a father of three young men then, but for a bachelor friend whom I was trying to convince to settle down. I was running out of arguments so I thought a more authoritative source should carry some weight.

I wanted to give this book on his 40th birthday, which was just a matter of days after I bought this volume, but failed to do so because he unexpectedly took off for the States for a month. When he came back, I decided not to give the gift anymore because it was too anti-climactic and obviously too late. So I still have it on my bookshelf, waiting for Godot.

I will deviate from my usual format of presenting the quotes according to topic. The reason is that in this book, the lesson or main point of each section has been digested or summarized by the author in the form of so-called “Mindset”. These are what I reproduce here:

MINDSETS

“Men most frequently meet women through friends, work, and at parties.”

* * *

“Men prefer independent women.”

* * *

“Unmarried men often cite rejection by the woman of their dreams as a reason for their single state.”

* * *

“Men view living together as a step toward marriage, but say if after two years marriage is not mentioned, a woman should move on.”

* * *

“Men test women by introducing them to their family and friends and by asking lots of questions or creating situations then judging her responses.”

* * *

“When women decide to leave a relationship men will suddenly focus on their true feelings.”

* * *

“Men define themselves more by the work they do than by their marital status.”



* * *

“Nurturing placed third in men’s expectations of their marriage roles after equal partner and breadwinner.”

* * *

“Men in their late 30s and early 40s feel pressured to marry.”

* * *

“Women aren’t the only ones whose biological clocks tick.”

* * *

“Men are more interested in having children than women realize.”

* * *

“His parents’ marriage—whether good or bad—affects a man’s outlook.”

* * *

“Men joke about wanting to marry a rich woman, but when the opportunity presents itself, they rarely take advantage of it.”

* * *

“Men say they do not expect marriage to redress family dynamics or environment.”

* * *

“Men are leery of a woman who has been married more than once; they want to know why.”

* * *

“Men cited personal ads (in magazines, in newspapers, and on the Net) as the fourth way they meet women.”

* * *

“Men say that dating women with children (preferably not adolescents) does not pose a major problem.”

* * *

“Even hardened bachelors hate to date.”

* * *
“Men want a relationship first; marriage is a natural progression.”

* * *

“Men admire people who have been married a long time”.

* * *

“Religion, while important, is not the full measure of a woman—her values matter more.”

* * *

“Men are leery of marriage after divorce; but most remarry after two years.”

* * *

“Men think sex is important, but only as part of a constellation of other factors.”

* * *

“For many men, dating women from another race raises a question mark.”

* * *

“Men prefer talkig to women; they’re more open emotionally and less competitive than men.”

* * *

“Men feel they must be financially secure before they marry.”

* * *

“Men don’t take women met in bars seriously.”

* * *

“Men worry about growing old alone.”

* * *

“Men don’t like women who smoke.”

* * *

“When considering marriage again, men talk to their children and are mindful of their observations.”

* * *
“Men rated intelligence high on their most wanted list.”

* * *

“Men look for women who possess their mother’s positive attributes, and try to stay away from those who remind them of her negative ones.”

* * *

“Couples make unmarried men feel left out.”

* * *

“A woman who’s put on a few pounds is fine; but add another twenty and men start to worry.”

* * *

“Men are put off by women who are too good-looking.”

* * *

“Men feel more comfortable getting to know women on a less formal basis.”

* * *

“Dating an ‘older’ woman (up to five years) does not pose a problem.”

* * *

“Men think women view marriage in a more romantic and storybooklike way than they do.”

* * *

“Men have marriage fantasies.”

* * *

“Dating women from a different background poses no problem for men.”

* * *

“Men resent being thought of only as marriage objects.”

* * *

“After three dates, when a man calls you for a fourth, you’re in the running.”

* * *
“Men see nothing innately flawed about the institution of marriage.”

--A.T. Langford

Quotes From "Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life"...Part 2

I continue here with the passages that are marked in my copy of this book by Gregg Levoy:

On the "Past":

"The past contains hints about "the deeper-than-conscious goals toward which the movement of our lives is trying to take us."

* * *

"The past reminds us of our struggles with our destinies."

* * *

"By opening the inactive file...we may discover the lost opportunities of our lives."

* * *

"...our past begs the question inherent in any history: Does it have a goal?"

* * *

"The past can't be changed, only your attitude toward it can."

On "Calls" and "Callings":

"In a sense, patterns are calls."

* * *

"The dream that won't go away is a call, as is the symptom that recurs, the section of the bookstore you always go to first, and the lesson you've endlessly had to learn or are intent upon impressing on your children."

* * *

"...it often turns out that calls are echoes coming out of the chasms in our lives."

* * *

"We decline the invitation of our callings because we feel inadequate to the task, but the opposite is also true. We're afraid of our own power."

* * *

"Sometimes we're robbed of our calls by the fate into which we fell headlong at birth."

* * *

"When the brass ring comes around in life, kiddo, you'd better grab it, because it may never come around again."

* * *

"Much of the pain associated with callings comes from avoiding them, from not surrendering to them."

On "Shadows":

"...it is what we despise in people, or envy, or worship, or become obsessed with."

On "Healing":

"...once he had touched the wound in himself, he could bring healing touch to that same wound in others."

On the "Right Path":

"If it feels safe, it's probably not the right path, but if it scares you, it probably is."

On our "Power":

"It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us."

On "Conformity":

"Don't sit down in life. All through your life you're going to be asked to sit down, to conform, comply, and compromise, and it can be very deadly if you get in the habit of doing that."

* * *

"Be leery of the price of conformity. Stand up, create things, do things."

On the "Mind":

"The mind that is not baffled is not employed. The impeded stream is the one that sings."

On "Freedom":

"Until you actually make a choice, freedom is only potential energy, energy in abeyance, in waiting."

On "Other's Opinion":

"...in the course of life a small number of people will like you, a small number will dislike you, and the vast majority won't care one way or the other."

* * *

"If we look only to others to show us who we are...then the reflections we'll have of ourselves will always be distorted a little."

On "Parents":

"When we attempt to carry our parents' unfulfilled lives, we squeeze out our own."

On "Self-esteem":

"Ironically, it's a function of self-esteem that we resist our callings."

On "Insincerity":

"The most exhausting thing in my life is being insincere."

On "Timing":

"The skill that seems most essential for such leaps is a certain feel for ripeness."

On "Change":

"If you're taking chances and making changes just for the sake of not standing still, your action may be more about running away from something than moving toward something."

* * *

"Motion is not necessarily progress any more than noise is necessarily music."

* * *

"By trying to shelter ourselves from change, we isolate ourselves from living."

* * *

"An ordeal may serve the purpose of shaking us loose from our moorings in order to set us up for important changes we can't see or imagine yet."

On "Risk":

"Is the payoff worth more than the pain?"

* * *

"...the important risks we don't take now become the regrets we have later."

On "Sacrifice":

"Sacrifice is the shadow in the calling."

On "Fear":

"Fear is a signal that you're close to something vital and that your call is worthy of you."

On "Life":

"Your life mirrors what you put into it or withhold from it."

* * *

"...the purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things."

On the "Secret to Success":

"You've got to ask! Asking is, in my opinion, the world's most powerful--and neglected--secret to success."

On "Best Mentors":

"The best mentors are also those who are students at the same time, other people's mentorees."

On "Great Struggles":

"Great struggles aren't inevitably followed by great triumphs and then great vacations. Sometimes great struggles are followed by more great struggles. Maybe triumph and reward ensue,and maybe not."

--Gregg Levoy